The Importance of Self-Compassion for Mental Health and Healing

Self-compassion is something that comes up across many different areas of counselling and psychotherapy, although it may be described in different ways depending on the theoretical approach. At its simplest, self-compassion involves responding to ourselves with the same kindness, understanding, and care that we might offer to someone we care about when they are struggling. Kristin Neff, known for her research on self-compassion, conceptualizes self-compassion as involving three primary components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff, 2023).

I think self-compassion is so important because so many of us have learned to relate to ourselves through criticism. We may believe that being hard on ourselves keeps us accountable, prevents us from making mistakes, or motivates us to do better. For some people, self-criticism may have developed as a way of managing shame or avoiding rejection: If I am constantly monitoring myself and trying to identify what I am doing wrong, perhaps I can prevent myself from being rejected, disappointing someone, or making another mistake.

The problem is that this strategy can become exhausting and detrimental to our self-worth and well-being. Rather than helping us grow, chronic self-criticism can contribute to shame, anxiety, low self-worth, and difficulties with emotional regulation. Research has consistently found an association between self-compassion and better mental health (MacBeth & Gumley, 2012).

Self-compassion is not the same as letting ourselves off the hook

One of the misconceptions I hear around about self-compassion is the idea that being compassionate toward ourselves means being indulgent or avoiding accountability.

I think this misconception comes partly from the belief that self-criticism is necessary for change: If I make a mistake and respond by telling myself that I am terrible, perhaps I will be less likely to make that mistake again. If I am constantly dissatisfied with myself, perhaps I will work harder and become a better person.

However, there is an important distinction between accountability and punishment.

Self-compassion does not mean pretending that we have not made mistakes or that our behaviour does not affect other people. It means being able to acknowledge that we have made a mistake without turning that mistake into a judgment about our entire worth as a person. We can say, “I made a mistake and I want to take responsibility for it,” without adding, “and therefore I am a terrible person.”

In fact, I think self-compassion can create more space for genuine accountability. When we are not spending all of our energy defending ourselves against shame, we may be better able to honestly look at what happened, understand our behaviour, repair harm where appropriate, and consider what we want to do differently in the future. Many people also believe that without self-criticism, they wouldn’t get anything done. However, self-compassion is often a greater motivator than self-criticism. Imagine a teacher yelling at a child for not moving fast enough getting their work done (perhaps you have had this experience and can remember how it felt!) Now picture a teacher who approaches the child and gently asks what they might be having trouble with, and what might help them work through it.

Self-compassion and healing

Self-compassion is also important in healing because healing itself can bring up a great deal of vulnerability.

When we begin exploring painful experiences, we may become more aware of patterns that we developed to cope. We may recognize ways that we have treated ourselves or others that we are not proud of. We may realize that some of the beliefs we have carried about ourselves are connected to experiences from childhood or past relationships.

This can be difficult. It is not unusual for people to respond to these realizations with even more self-criticism: Why did I let this happen? Why did I stay? Why am I still affected by this? Why can't I just get over it?

I think there is a particular irony in this. We can begin therapy because we want to heal from experiences that were painful, and then criticize ourselves for the ways those experiences have affected us.

Self-compassion offers another way of relating to ourselves. For example, instead of judging a coping strategy as irrational or dysfunctional, we can ask what purpose it may have served at some point in our lives.This does not mean that every coping strategy remains helpful. It means that we can understand ourselves before deciding that what might need to change.

Self-compassion does not always feel good

Self-compassion can feel uncomfortable at first. For someone who has spent years relating to themselves through criticism, responding with kindness can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. Some people worry that if they stop criticizing themselves, they will become lazy, selfish, irresponsible, or complacent. Others may experience sadness or grief when they begin to recognize how harshly they have treated themselves or been treated by others.

This is one reason why simply telling someone to “be kinder to yourself” is not necessarily particularly helpful. Self-compassion is not just a positive affirmation or a decision to think more positively. For some people, it involves developing an entirely different relationship with themselves, which can take time.

It may also require us to explore what self-criticism has done for us. If being hard on ourselves has helped us feel in control, avoid rejection, or maintain a sense of safety, then giving it up can feel threatening. In these situations, it is important to approach self-criticism with the same compassion that we are trying to develop toward ourselves. Rather than criticizing ourselves for being self-critical, we can become curious about why that part of us learned that criticism was necessary.

What does self-compassion actually look like?

Self-compassion can look different for different people. Sometimes it means speaking to ourselves differently. Sometimes it means allowing ourselves to rest without feeling that we need to earn it. Sometimes it means setting a boundary, acknowledging a need, or recognizing that something is genuinely difficult rather than telling ourselves that we should be handling it better.

It can also mean recognizing our common humanity. One of the components of self-compassion identified by Neff is the recognition that suffering and imperfection are part of being human (Neff, 2023). This does not mean minimizing our individual experiences. Rather, it reminds us that struggling does not mean there is something uniquely wrong with us, and that we are not alone.

We are going to make mistakes. We are going to experience rejection, grief, uncertainty, and disappointment. We are going to have days when we do not respond to situations in the way we would have liked. We are going to have parts of ourselves that we do not fully understand.

None of this makes us uniquely broken.

In my view, this is one of the reasons self-compassion is such a fundamental part of healing. We cannot always control what has happened to us, and we cannot always immediately change the thoughts, emotions, or patterns that have developed as a result. What we can begin to change is the way we relate to ourselves as we move through these experiences.

Therapy in Duncan, BC for anxiety, self-criticism, and trauma

If what you’ve read above resonates with you and you would like some help developing a different relationship with yourself, I would be honoured to help. I work with adults struggling with anxiety, depression, self-esteem, and the aftermath of relational trauma. If you are interested in working together, please feel free to use the button below to book a free 20 minute consult, or reach out at hello@azaricounselling.ca